Reflections on life, marriage, and a young woman who is constantly learning how much there will always be to learn!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

On Marriage

"...The only alternative to the obsessively egalitarian marriage of today that [many women] can imagine is the rejected inegalitarian one of the past. They enter into their marriages clinging to their newfound identities and newly gained territories as tenaciously as break-away republics cling to theirs, fearful of surrendering a scrap of their independence lest the old country move in and take over again.

But it may be that in order for modern women to have the marriages we want, we will have to stop being so preoccupied about our identities, and instead develop an appreciation for the mutual, if differing, contributions we make to marriage as men and women. Maybe what we should expect from our marriages is not so much an equality in kind but an equality in spirit. We want our husbands to love and respect us, to see us as their equal in all aspects of the mind and soul, but that doesn't mean we have to do exactly the same things in our day-to-day lives or to occupy identical roles. We must also understand that family has never been about the promotion of rights but about the surrender of them--by both the man and the woman. A wife and husband give up their s*xual freedom, their financial freedom, their right to "pursue happiness" entirely on their own terms the moment they leave the altar. No matter what may come of their marriage, they have tied their identities--and fates-- together. Through the act of having children, they seal them. And this is what a woman today who takes her husband's name acknowledges with that symbolic act. She is hardly declaring herself his chattel. She is asserting, rather, that she and her husband have formed a new family, distinct from all their previous ties, both permanent and total in its commitment."

"Alas, by withholding ourselves, or pieces of ourselves, instead of giving to our marriages wholeheartedly, we can't expect our husbands to do so, either. After all, it's not as if postponing marriage and going into it with our eyes more wide-open has made marriage any more stable than it was when men and women went into it practically blind. A young man I know told me that he'd "at last" moved in with his girlfriend of a few years. "We're more serious now," he said proudly. And I thought, No you're not. For marriage, as the married know, is about more than signing a lease, splitting bills, sharing chores, and professing a vague sort of long-term commitment; it's about more than being home in the evenings or spending weekends together or deciding what color to paint the walls; it's about more, even, than happiness and contentment and compatibility. It is about life and death, blood and sacrifice, about this generation and the next, and one's connection to eternity.

It is not nostalgic to wonder why this very obvious truth now seems to escape us; why so many men don't understand that it's wrong to walk out on their children and wives--or why so many women feel so nervous, so insecure, and so frightened about "losing themselves" the moment they marry. What is strange is that for so long we could be persuaded otherwise, that we could grow up mistrusting and steeling ourselves against so essential a human condition as love."

-What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see altruism. It seems as if many of you ladies on these blogs are putting higher value on other people more than yourself. That your only purpose of existence is to serve others. I believe that the bible promotes the individual, the family and the comunity. All three components are necessary for yourself and your family to stay healthy and joyful. Most of you are young and when relationships are new it is easier to admonish your husbands. The hormones are kicking up and love making and the babies. When you are in your 40s the novelty wears off you are in another phase of your life.
Another thing I notice is that no one seems to focusing on the relationship with Jesus. I would like to know what it is about him that moves you and why He moves you. See God has to be much bigger and greater that the role playing of men and women that seems to be preoccuping most of you ladies on these blogs. I only mean this respectfully. By the way your dog is adorable. I love dogs myself.
Thank you

9:54 PM, October 31, 2005  
Anonymous Jaime said...

I repectfuly Disagre, Georgia
The thing you need to focus on passionatly accomplish, Is Actualy written in the bible.
It's one of the rare scripture unDisputed. Titus ch 2 v 2-4 KJV

You are down-playing the very thing God told you to do -teach the younger wemon.
A Womans relationship with Jesus is REFLECTED in the way she cares for her Husband and Children adn others.

it's nothing short of a miricle they's good ladies are "getting it"
Don't knock it.
What you are reading and seeing here on the blogs are the Fruit(of the spirit).
You may have missed something in your 20's to mid 30's.
Sit back and Enjoy the good news.

Hormones are an Issue at any age for a woman. That's a Blessing not an Insult or curse.
God Knows what he is Doing.
Christ gave so much, The Novelty Should never wear out.

10:41 AM, November 03, 2005  

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